Well,
friends, I feel desirous to share with you the experience I’ve had over the past
several months. As the majority of you are aware, I was hospitalized last
January with an eating disorder, and the months following my release have been the
most difficult months of my life. I continue to struggle on a daily basis to
make recovery-based choices. Some days, it’s all I can do to follow through
with my meal plan as prescribed by my dietitian, and resist the temptation to
spend all of my free time (as well as my not-so-free-time) climbing stairs at the
gym.
While the past
several months have been extremely challenging and emotionally exhausting for
me, I feel I’d be misrepresenting my experience of them if I left my
description solely to the previous paragraph. As I’ve consciously and
consistently been making choices to increase the distance between myself and my
eating disorder, I have experienced a great deal of emotional turmoil; that is
true. However, the benefits associated with these same choices have been
overwhelming. The blessings that have followed my recovery choices are more
wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I have a body that functions
properly, a mind that is capable of mental processes unimagined by my
previously malnourished brain, and a greater quantity of meaningful
relationships than I’ve ever had before. I’ve been able to reclaim my status as
“favorite aunt” to my cute nieces (a title I never plan to rescind), I’ve
opened my heart and connected to my siblings and parents in new ways, and I
find that I’m better able to form genuine connections with other people I
associate with on a daily basis. My favorite benefit of all, though, has been
my new-found ability to fall in love! Fortunately for me, this beautiful process
of falling in love has taken place with the most wonderful man I’ve ever had
the privilege of meeting. My ability to connect deeply with and fall in love
with my fiancé, Bo, is a result of those choices, and I am filled with overwhelming
joy and excitement when I consider the fact that I am fortunate enough to be
the one to spend eternity with him.
A great deal
of excitement has followed his marriage proposal last week, but unfortunately,
the excitement has been matched with all manner of body shaming articles and
advertisements. My fragile body image has been thrashed around as I’ve begun my
journey to plan the perfect wedding. I’m one week into wedding planning, and I’ve
already been bombarded by all kinds of diets and workout plans to “shred before
the wedding,” various tactics to assist me in manipulating my body to fit into
a tiny dress it was never created to fit in, and wardrobe items created to hide
this, or suck that in; and quite honestly, it’s all been quite overwhelming,
and at times, quite a deflating experience.
After
spending a great deal of time contemplating these things and agonizing in my
own body shame, I’ve come to a conclusion that I’d like to share. I’ve decided
that I’ve worked way too hard to leave my malnourished body behind to run back
to it now. What good will it do to be a thin, “beautiful” bride if I am fainting
instead of saying “I do,” and lacking the energy to give my new-found husband
(eeeeek! I’m gonna have a husband!) so much as a simple kiss over the altar? What
fun will my wedding reception be if I can’t even enjoy my extremely pricey
wedding cake with my sweet boy? How can I enjoy a paradisaical Hawaiian
honeymoon with my hubby if I don’t even have the energy to leave my bed? For
these reasons and many others, I say: forget you, beauty industry! I’m not
interested in your crash diets, tummy tuckers, or anything else you have to
offer me. There’s no need for you to assist me in changing my body to fit into
a dress only my pre-pubescent body could have fit into without restricting my
food intake; me and my ghetto booty are entirely content to find a dress that
fits us just the way we presently are. My decision is as simple as that.
Now, if you
need me, I’ll be out with my handsome fiancé, sampling wedding food and cakes,
trying on dressed with sizes in the double digits (heaven forbid!) that fit my
recovering body, and ENJOYING the whole process.
