Marriage, y'all. It's happening!

Well, friends, I feel desirous to share with you the experience I’ve had over the past several months. As the majority of you are aware, I was hospitalized last January with an eating disorder, and the months following my release have been the most difficult months of my life. I continue to struggle on a daily basis to make recovery-based choices. Some days, it’s all I can do to follow through with my meal plan as prescribed by my dietitian, and resist the temptation to spend all of my free time (as well as my not-so-free-time) climbing stairs at the gym.

While the past several months have been extremely challenging and emotionally exhausting for me, I feel I’d be misrepresenting my experience of them if I left my description solely to the previous paragraph. As I’ve consciously and consistently been making choices to increase the distance between myself and my eating disorder, I have experienced a great deal of emotional turmoil; that is true. However, the benefits associated with these same choices have been overwhelming. The blessings that have followed my recovery choices are more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I have a body that functions properly, a mind that is capable of mental processes unimagined by my previously malnourished brain, and a greater quantity of meaningful relationships than I’ve ever had before. I’ve been able to reclaim my status as “favorite aunt” to my cute nieces (a title I never plan to rescind), I’ve opened my heart and connected to my siblings and parents in new ways, and I find that I’m better able to form genuine connections with other people I associate with on a daily basis. My favorite benefit of all, though, has been my new-found ability to fall in love! Fortunately for me, this beautiful process of falling in love has taken place with the most wonderful man I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting. My ability to connect deeply with and fall in love with my fiancé, Bo, is a result of those choices, and I am filled with overwhelming joy and excitement when I consider the fact that I am fortunate enough to be the one to spend eternity with him.

A great deal of excitement has followed his marriage proposal last week, but unfortunately, the excitement has been matched with all manner of body shaming articles and advertisements. My fragile body image has been thrashed around as I’ve begun my journey to plan the perfect wedding. I’m one week into wedding planning, and I’ve already been bombarded by all kinds of diets and workout plans to “shred before the wedding,” various tactics to assist me in manipulating my body to fit into a tiny dress it was never created to fit in, and wardrobe items created to hide this, or suck that in; and quite honestly, it’s all been quite overwhelming, and at times, quite a deflating experience. 

After spending a great deal of time contemplating these things and agonizing in my own body shame, I’ve come to a conclusion that I’d like to share. I’ve decided that I’ve worked way too hard to leave my malnourished body behind to run back to it now. What good will it do to be a thin, “beautiful” bride if I am fainting instead of saying “I do,” and lacking the energy to give my new-found husband (eeeeek! I’m gonna have a husband!) so much as a simple kiss over the altar? What fun will my wedding reception be if I can’t even enjoy my extremely pricey wedding cake with my sweet boy? How can I enjoy a paradisaical Hawaiian honeymoon with my hubby if I don’t even have the energy to leave my bed? For these reasons and many others, I say: forget you, beauty industry! I’m not interested in your crash diets, tummy tuckers, or anything else you have to offer me. There’s no need for you to assist me in changing my body to fit into a dress only my pre-pubescent body could have fit into without restricting my food intake; me and my ghetto booty are entirely content to find a dress that fits us just the way we presently are. My decision is as simple as that.

Now, if you need me, I’ll be out with my handsome fiancé, sampling wedding food and cakes, trying on dressed with sizes in the double digits (heaven forbid!) that fit my recovering body, and ENJOYING the whole process.