Well, I
believe I am long overdue for a blog post! The past few months have been filled
with stress, decisions, and change. In the midst of all that was simultaneously
heaped upon me, I resorted to my coping mechanism of choice to deal with it all:
excessive exercise and food restriction. This led me to what many would refer
to as “relapse.”
For a while,
things were going really well! I was making huge leaps in recovery and was
eating more and exercising less than I had in years. It felt good! After a few
really great months, it came time to make decisions. One decision I made was
the choice to end a relationship with a wonderful man, who spent every day
trying to make me feel like the most beautiful woman alive. What a gem! I didn’t
realize what a huge support he was to me until we broke up. While I still
believe ending the relationship was the right thing to do, I lost my best
friend and greatest support in a particularly difficult and stressful time.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER! At this time, I was also trying to decide whether or not
to move across the country, whether to serve a mission for my church, The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, whether to attend graduate school and
what program to pursue, and what kind of job to pursue at the end of my nanny
contract. I wavered back and forth between all of the different options,
without any sense of closure or decisiveness.
I finally
decided that I needed to decide on SOMETHING, so without a job or any serious
prospects, I decided I would move to Utah at the end of the summer. My
structured, perfectionist personality is not fond of ANYTHING that is not certain
and set in stone, so this decision nearly killed me. I spent countless hours
applying and interviewing for jobs, and spent a great deal of time trying to
decide which offer to accept. After months of weighing all my options, I
finally decided to accept a job in Price, Utah as an Early Childhood
Interventionist. Moving from Washington DC to Price, Utah- a dramatic change,
to say the least! But I am so excited about this decision.
With a job
and apartment secured, my stress level has decreased a great deal. Now that
things are settling down a bit, I’ve realized that my eating and exercise
habits are out of control. I realized this last week as I pondered on the past
few weeks and the feelings I’ve had. Last week, I was in Vermont with the
family I nanny for, and I ran 60 miles. In one week, I ran 60 MILES, and I felt
like it was a LAZY week. (At least it was in Vermont, where everything is BEAUTIFUL!)
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The week before that, I spent an hour on the
Stairmaster every morning, climbing 500 floors of stairs each morning. And some
days I felt the need to make a second trip to the gym after work. In addition
to that, I felt it necessary to cut all sweets from my diet and limit my food
intake dramatically. Sadly enough, the past two weeks are not the most exercise
intensive that I’ve experienced in the past several months. The worst part of
all this is that it has become so normal to me. If I don’t burn at least 800
calories working out every day, it is difficult for me to allow myself to eat
much of anything.
While I’ve
exercised myself into a tough place, I know I can come out of it. I’ve pushed
through many hard things before. I’ve come to know that the key to overcoming
difficulty is VISION. Having a vision of who I want to become is the most powerful
recovery tool I have. And I can see that my vision has been tainted recently by
my excessive habits. But today, I’m redefining my vision. The woman I truly
want to be is not one who spends every spare moment she has at the gym, on a
run, or counting calories. The woman I want to be is one who spends her spare
time serving and lifting others. I want to be a woman who can be relied on and
trusted by others. I want to be a woman who will be a faithful wife and a
loving mother. The women I truly admire and look up to the most are not the
women who are the most physically attractive, but the women who make a
difference in the lives of others. That is what I want to become! ON TO THE NEW
VISION! J
PS: The past
few months have been very stressful, but I’ve had so many blessings, as well!
One of the many was a visit from my grandma and little sister. Here is a picture of us with my favorite munchkins at the Washington DC LDS temple. J
PPS: On a much
shallower note, I’ve always wanted to develop the necessary strength to do a
pull-up. Does anyone have any advice for how to make that happen? J
